Author: Bill Ferguson

Common sense suggests that asking the right questions before getting married can make for a better union, but rarely is the other side of the coin examined.

That could be because, by the time the prospect of divorce surfaces, spouses may already be in a stressful frame of mind, and in no mood for a game of 20 — or even 11 — questions.

That is a mistake, said Nancy Colier, a psychotherapist in Manhattan. Even if the ultimate decision is to dissolve the marriage, asking the right questions before contacting a lawyer or mediator, and perhaps with the assistance of a marriage counselor, may prove worthwhile.

The New York Times asked some people well versed in the challenges and difficulties of marriage and divorce to suggest questions that may make a split more amicable, or even save the union. Here are 11 of their ideas:

1. Have you made clear your concerns about the relationship?

“You may think that you have communicated, but your partner may not have really heard,” said Sherry Amatenstein, a marriage therapist in Manhattan and Queens and the author of books on relationships.

“Research shows that people hear only between 30 to 35 percent of what is said to them,” she said, “because we’re so full of ‘I’m going to say this to them.’”

If, for example, you believe your spouse is not making you a priority and, say, fails to spend time with you, this behavior can’t be changed unless he or she is aware of your concerns.

“You want to be really clear that you’ve given it everything in terms of speaking truth to your partner,” Ms. Colier said. That could help in healing if the marriage dissolves, she said, because you’ll know that you have done everything possible to make the relationship work.

2. Do you and your spouse have shared expectations about the roles you play in the relationship?

“Sometimes the problem may be as simple as not understanding how your partner expects you to behave,” said Hope Adair, who, along with her ex-husband, was featured in a 2014 Times column that explored marriages that have failed. “It’s like, ‘This is what husbands or wives do and you’re not doing that.’”

If, for instance, one person expects the other to take the lead in managing finances, and he or she would prefer not to, problems can result.

3. If there is a way to save the marriage, what would it be?

The Rev. Kevin Wright, the minister of education at the Riverside Church in Manhattan, suggests this exercise: On one side of a sheet of paper or computer screen, make a list of what you think you need to do to save the marriage, and on the other side, what your spouse needs to do. And make sure your spouse does the same. It’s important that both of you perform this exercise. Otherwise, he said, “this question can very easily become a question all about what the other person needs to do.”

4. Would you really be happier without your partner?

“You have to look fiercely and realistically at whether what you’re getting in the relationship is worth what you’re giving up,” Ms. Colier said. “Perhaps your spouse doesn’t interest you as a sexual partner as much as you would want, but maybe your spouse’s co-parenting skills, willingness to help with everyday chores or companionship can offset the negative and make the trade-off worth it.” Getting a clear idea of what is most important in your life can make the decision of whether to stay in the marriage less overwhelming.

5. Do you still love him or her?

Even if the answer is yes, divorce may still be the right path. “There are a lot of reasons that people decide they can’t stay married, but our emotions aren’t wired on an on/off switch,” said Wendy Paris, a writer specializing in relationships. “Some of the anger we see in divorce comes from the fact that we do still feel love for this person, and can feel hurt, unloved in return, or unvalued.”

6. What is your biggest fear in ending the relationship?

“For some people, it might be the fear of being single again — the fear of being alone for the rest of their life,” Ms. Colier said. “For others, it is the fear of losing a sense of physical intimacy.” An understanding of what those fears are may help in deciding whether divorce is the best way forward, she said.

7. Are you letting the prospect of divorce ruin your self-image?

The realization that divorce may be near often makes people feel like failures, Ms. Paris said. Instead of dwelling on how you may have stumbled, look at the relationship’s end in “a more empowering way,” she suggested, concentrating on what you did right. For example, “I have given intimacy a real try,” or “I am trying different options to figure out what is the best for everybody.”

8. How can a divorce be handled to minimize the harm on the children?

“If you’re really miserable together, getting divorced is the best thing to do,” Ms. Amatenstein said. “But you will always be parents together. You are still going to be in each other’s lives. You need to think about how you’re going to do this and refrain from using the kids as cannon fodder.”

9. Are you prepared for the financial stresses divorce may bring?

“What I recommend to people is that they start thinking about the financial as early in the process as possible,” Ms. Colier said. “That means meeting, if you can, with a financial adviser, talking to lawyers and writing down what this is going to cost. There is so much that is going to change — and so much fear. It’s important to feel grounded with as many financial facts as possible. You’ll feel safer that way.”

10. Am I ready to handle the day-to-day details of living that my spouse took care of?

“We prepare for most other major transitions, but divorce can seem to erupt like a volcano,” Ms. Paris said, “and our lack of preparation adds to the chaos.”

Understand that you may find yourself paying bills or figuring out taxes for the first time in years. If there are children, who will take the lead in keeping track of their activities calendar?

11. How do I keep from making the same mistake the next time around?

Understand that the problem may be you, not the particular marriage. If you are bored in a relationship, you may find yourself bored in another one, too, said Erika Doukas, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Manhattan and Larchmont, N.Y. If you quarrel with your spouse over whose relatives to visit during the holidays, the same conflict may reappear in a subsequent marriage. Dr. Doukas said spouses who were able to realize that they contribute to marital problems could sometimes change course and possibly save a relationship or, failing that, make a future one more long lasting.

Deciding to divorce is hard – but if that is the direction you need to take, consider mediation. It is the better way to divorce. Contact Bill Ferguson at www.gaydivorcemediator.com for help and information.

Divorce, Family Law, Mediator, Mediation, child custody

How do you value a spouse’s business during a divorce?

In Divorce a lot of things are valued easily because there is a dollar amount associated with it. If there is a bank account that’s subject to division, you know how much is in the bank account and you equally divide it. Businesses are different, and usually what is required to value a business is a forensic accountant. The reason that is, is because businesses do not have price tags, meaning they don’t walk around with a value assigned to them usually.

If you’re valuing a sign-making business, restaurant, or a medical practice, typically the court will either appoint a joint forensic accountant or you can hire your own forensic accountant to do a business valuation. If you or your spouse owns and operates a business and that business was started during marriage, or even before marriage but was operated during marriage, there’s going to be a community value component to that. If you use mediation you can work with the mediator to determine the best way to value that asset.

In order to value that properly, when you use a forensic accountant they will look at the books, and look at the documents and the bank statements and the hard assets, and come up with a value and make that representation to you as a litigant and also to the court. If you can’t use that valuation for purposes of settlement, then you need to take it to court and have it divided.
Usually, spouses who operate businesses will think their business is not worth anything because they want to say, “Well my business is just me” or, “It’s me and my phone” or, “It’s me and two employees and there’s no value to it”, and there really is. There’s really community value to a business, and usually the court will find that there’s some “good will”, a term that the courts, forensic accountants, and lawyers use to mean that, and this isn’t the technical definition obviously, are people going to come back to your business? That’s kind of an intangible value that a forensic accountant will put on a business using the various tax returns, bank statements, cash flow, and things that are relative to the business so that you can develop a value for purposes of division.

It seemed like only a matter of time. After marriage equality was legalized by the Supreme Court in a 5-4 decision last June, the LGBT community both celebrated this historic victory and quietly girded its loins for the inevitable — the wave of same-sex breakups.

Just months after the verdict, states like Tennessee [3] and Mississippi [4] became home to their first gay divorcees. In Louisiana, a lesbian couple actually got divorced [5] before the first same-sex couple was married: Anna Wellman and Stephanie Baus were married in Massachusetts in 2009, and the passage of marriage equality allowed them to finalize their separation in their home state.

The onslaught of annulments was so seemingly unavoidable that some law firms are opening divisions that specialize in gay divorce. Last June, Conor Corcoran, an attorney in Philadelphia, announced [6] his firm was “proud to be the first… in the U.S. to practice in the field of gay divorce.” Corcoran is offering “Private Client Domestic Services, 24/7 and coast to coast, regardless of your sexual orientation.”

But as recent studies show, same-sex divorce may not be the booming industry we think it is.

The Netherlands’ Central Bureau of Statistics found that in the 15 years since the country passed marriage equality, same-sex couples have boasted a lower divorce rate overall than straight couples. According to a 2013 survey from CBS [7], the divorce rate for all couples is 36.3.

Same-sex marriages between two men had a comparatively high rate of success: Since same-sex couples were allowed to marry back in 2001, just 15 percent of male-male marriages have ended. The rate for female-female divorce is higher — at a still-modest 30 percent.

That research is backed up by a recent survey from the Williams Institute [8], which showed that the gay breakup rate is about half of what it is among their heterosexual counterparts: Overall, about two percent of married straight couples separate each year, compared to just one percent of gay couples. Those rates held steady in Britain and Wales: 2011 numbers from the Office of National Statistics showed [9] that, since 2005, straight couples were twice as likely to call it quits.

Why aren’t gay couples breaking up?

Part of it has to do with sheer demographics. Despite the fact that LGBT folks face disproportionate rates of poverty around the country, the opposite is true for those in long-term relationships: On average, same-sex couples have [10] a higher level of education and income than straight ones. Those are factors that correlate strongly [11] with successful relationships for reasons that should be obvious — everyone knows most couples fight about money, and if you have less money, you have more to fight about.

In the case of the Netherlands, one factor in the country’s enviable rate of successful gay marriages is that same-sex couples often wait longer to get married and generally tie the knot when they are older. 64 percent of straight couples got hitched before they were 35, while nearly 75 percent of gay men who got married waited until they were over 35.

In the United States, those same phenomena have been behind the plummeting divorce rate.

There’s a common myth [12] that 50 percent of stateside marriages end in divorce, but that hasn’t been true for decades. Breakup hysteria peaked in the 1970s, when the storied divorce [13] of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor — who ended their marriage twice — put the issue in the national limelight. NPR’s Sarah Aslanian called it [14] the “divorce revolution,” saying that “gender roles were changing. It was OK for Mom to be a doctor and Dad to be a nurse. It was also increasingly OK to leave behind the confines of marriage.”

But those changes in gender norms and expectations have also led to healthier, happier marriages for everyone.

As many have noted, part of the reason that all relationships today last longer is because of factors like birth control and decreased gender parity in the household. Today’s couples are also more likely to cohabitate before marriage, waiting longer to get hitched. Couples also have the option of not getting married at all, meaning that those who make the commitment are more likely to be invested in it.

This latter effect partially explains why the divorce rate has been so low among the first wave of same-sex couples to be married in the US. Many of those who made it legal in the past year were those who had been waiting years — and even decades — to have their relationships recognized by the state.

Jack Evans and George Harris, an octogenarian couple, had been together for more than 50 years [15] before tying the knot in Dallas last year. Needless to say, it’s highly unlikely the pair will be needing Conor Corcoran’s services anytime soon.

But as increasing numbers of same-sex couples join them in wedded bliss, those numbers are likely to hold pretty steady, especially among gay men.

Danish psychologist Vibeke Nissen told [16] Psychology Today that women are more likely to initiate a divorce than men. This explains the slightly elevated rate of breakups among lesbian couples. “Women simply expect different things from marriage [17] than men do,” Nissen explained. “And if they don’t get them, they prefer to live alone.”

What gives both gay and lesbian couples, however, an advantage when it comes to marriage is the lack of societal expectations around same-sex unions.

Because marriage is such a new concept when it comes to queer couples, it means same-sex partners are forced to set their own boundaries and rules when it comes to commitment — and even monogamy. A study conducted back in the 1980s [18] found that 82 percent of men in a long-term commitment with another man had had sex with someone outside of their relationship. A survey conducted three decades later by researchers at the San Francisco State University found [19] that about half of gay couples were in open relationships.

Whether it’s open marriages or just committed partners who play, “open gay relationships actually [last] longer,” as Scott James claimed [20] in his 2010 piece in the New York Times. That’s not to say that being monogamous is better — rather, that relationships benefit when each party mutually decides what kind of relationship is best for them.

Because many straight people may inherit from their parents their definitions of what marriage is, they might not have the same flexibility in terms of sexual boundaries or even just communication.

The long-held fear among Republicans was that recognizing gay relationships would fundamentally destroy the institution of marriage — but, if anything, equality has only made marriage stronger. It might sound like anathema to social conservatives, but heterosexuals could learn a lot from gay couples about what it means to stay together or how to define your own relationship for yourself.

There’s a reason divorce proved to be such a powerful shift in the history of marriage in the US: Before they were told they could leave their relationships, many couples never realized those unions are a choice.

Four decades after Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor first said “I don’t,” well… that revolution isn’t over.

This story [21] by Nico Lang [22] originally appeared on Ravishly [23], a feminist news+culture website.

Follow us on Twitter [24] & Facebook [25] and check out these related stories:

On Bisexual Erasure In The Queer Community [26]

It’s The Casual Homophobia That Hurts My Family Most [27]

Sexual Fluidity: Queer, Straight, And Anything Else You’re Feeling [28]

Nico Lang is a contributor to the L.A. Times and Huffington Post. He is the author of the novel, “The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses” (Thought Catalog, 2013)

Last years’s U.S. Supreme Court ruling that the U.S. Constitution guarantees the right for same-sex couples to marry in all 50 states paves the way for the potential dissolution of at least some of those marriages in unchartered territory of same-sex divorce.

According to The Williams Institute, a national UCLA Law think tank dedicated to research on sexual orientation and gender identity law and public policy, the rate of dissolution of legally-recognized same-sex partnerships is roughly comparable to the rate of divorce for heterosexual couples.

So how will same-sex divorce differ from traditional divorce?

“We’re not 100% sure where it’s going to go,” said Stann Givens, founding partner of Givens, Givens and Sparks, a family law firm based in Tampa, Florida.

While he believes the division of assets will be the same as in traditional divorce, there may be some issues with child custody, because of different ways that same-sex couples have children.

“Some of these issues are not so clear, and will have to be cleared up with litigation later on,” Givens said.

He said the fact that only one parent (at most) in a same-sex marriage is likely to be biologically related to the child may present some challenges with custody.

Philadelphia divorce attorney J. Conor Corcoran has launched a division of his firm that’s strictly for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer divorces (LGBTQ). According to his website AdamVs.Steve.com, Opens a New Window. Corcoran bills himself as the nation’s first LGBTQ divorce attorney.

“It’s really hard to predict what’s going to happen,” Corcoran said. “They’ve been waiting so long to get married, it may be awhile until they can get divorced.”

Celebrity divorce attorney Vikki Ziegler agrees.

“Gay divorce has so many different nuances,” said Ziegler, professor of same-sex marriage and prenups at Fordham Law School and CEO of divorcedating.com Opens a New Window. .

“There are over 1,300 federal privileges that a husband and wife are allowed to take versus same-sex couples, who are still in a quandary as to what federal guarantees they receive,” she said. Some of these include federal tax filing and getting medical insurance benefits for an entire family.

“The states now have to recognize same-sex couples and afford them all of the state privileges that heterosexual couples receive,” Ziegler said. “But things will have to catch up quickly to ensure that there’s uniformity.”

Ziegler said she believes there will be challenges relating to custody, especially with regard to adoption and sperm donors.

“That will take time for the courts to fully grasp and understand how to resolve these issues with same-sex couples,” Ziegler said.

How do you keep your business alive during your gay divorce? You can make bad decisions under emotional stress. You might even lose the business entirely. Here are savvy tips from attorney Lisa Hughes

Maneuvering a small business through rough economic seas is tough enough. But doing it amid a divorce at the same time—well, the stakes are pretty high. Lisa Hughes, an accountant and family law attorney, is managing partner at Hughes & Sullivan, a family law practice in Tustin, Calif., a suburb of Santa Ana in Orange County. She spoke recently to Smart Answers columnist Karen E. Klein about how small business owners can get through a divorce without losing their business. Edited excerpts of their conversation follow.

How do you advise small business owners when they come to you and say they are considering divorce?

I tell them to try marriage counseling. And spend at least one hour at it for every year of your marriage. Divorce is the last road you want to take—seriously.

You’ve been practicing for 33 years. You must have witnessed lots of mistakes that people make in their businesses and their lives because they are going through the highly emotional stress of splitting up from their spouses.

A lot of misguided decisions are made during divorces that can cripple or destroy the businesses people have built up through years and years of hard work. And the sad thing is, that kind of business collapse can be avoided.

How can entrepreneurs continue making wise decisions that keep their businesses alive and thriving?

It’s important to recognize this is not a time of business as usual. It’s also important to hire a savvy forensic accountant who can provide in-depth understanding of the applicable law and who has the expertise to testify in court.

It’s also critical to understand the implications of upward or downward trends for the business, and whether the business began before or after the marriage. Many times, if one spouse is a business owner and the other is not involved in the business, the business owner thinks the business won’t be considered in the divorce. But if the business arose or was acquired during the marriage, it is considered the property of both individuals.

What are some business pitfalls to look out for during a divorce?

The truth is that during a divorce, your business and your net worth really have to be an open book. Don’t try to hide anything. Here in California, we had a recent case decision in which a powerful business owner, Mr. Feldman, failed to expose all of his earnings and transactions during his divorce. That violated his disclosure duties, and when his wife discovered his hidden assets, the judge required Mr. Feldman to pay her $250,000 in sanctions along with $140,000 in attorney fees. So providing full disclosure is key to expediting a settlement without sanctions.

Judges in family court have seen everything by the time they’ve been on the bench a week. Was your business making lots of money before the divorce, and then, all of a sudden, your profits dropped dramatically? That’s suspicious. Same with putting your new girlfriend or boyfriend in as treasurer, or vice-president for operations. Don’t change the leadership of your business during a divorce. It looks like you are not operating in good faith.

What are some key things a business owner can do to get through a divorce and keep the business intact?

Do the same things you’re doing to navigate your family through this economy. You have to be conservative, and by that, I don’t necessarily mean Republican. I mean operate cautiously. Always pay your taxes and keep your insurance payments current. If you try not to pay the government, they will come after you, and the penalties and interest they charge you will really add up. In times of stress, you really need life insurance and health insurance. I’m a big believer in not letting policies lapse, even if you’re hurting financially.

Do the divorce rates go down during a time of economic distress or uncertainty?

Divorce rates were trending down the last time I looked, which was early this year. What I think is also happening, just anecdotally from what I see in our practice, is that people can’t afford to separate. Real property values have dropped so dramatically, and so many people don’t have equity in their homes now. We used to use the couples’ house as a nest egg to pay off debts, pay the lawyers, and help the parties get on their feet and have a chance at a new start.

Now, with negative equity, plus declining business or job revenue, couples can’t even finance the litigation. Not only can’t they afford to start two households, there’s so little liquidity in the lending market they can’t even borrow on their homes.

Can divorcing spouses continue to own a business together and work side by side?

I haven’t seen that be successful in the long term. They may start out being O.K. with both staying in the business, but eventually one or the other gets remarried. And when third parties get involved, they are the ones who object. It’s usually best to buy one party out of the business or sell it to a third party. We hate to liquidate a business to fund a divorce, because that’s the thing that provided the lifestyle and the house in the first place. So, try to keep the business going, but you may have to decide which spouse is going to bow out eventually.

Karen E. Klein is a Los Angeles-based writer who covers entrepreneurship and small-business issues.

 

When gay marriage was only legal in a very few places, gay divorce rates were very, very low. It made for lots of great news stories about how marriage equality would ultimately create more solid marriages nationwide, which have in recent history waivered at nearly 50 percent. Now that marriage equality has been enacted in so many different states, the statistics have started shifting. And happily-married gay couples are not at all pleased about it.

Frequently, former clients bring issues like this to my attention because they want to see the topic written about and the discussions that follow. In this particular case, a former client brought up the subject of the increase in gay divorces because it’s seriously bothering him.

While he and his husband have been happily married for several years, he has four sets of friends who haven’t been married very long and are currently in serious relationship trouble. Even in today’s society where marriage isn’t forever for so many people, it bothered him that he was close to four relatively-newly-married gay couples who are already getting divorced. That’s a lot of divorce in one social circle at one time.

“I think a lot are marrying for the vanity and to be the center of attention or for the party. Couples that only know each other a few months. You know the gays love a party,” he says. But he’s not joking despite his tone. He points out that gay icons Liz Taylor, Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli had 16 weddings between the three of them. Not the best examples to follow.

“They started to see other gay weddings and they looked like such fun, they wanted their own,” he opines. Next thing you know, couples who have only been together for a short period of time are getting legally married just because they can without giving enough consideration to what the word “marriage” means long term.

“I also don’t think the gays are co-mingling finances the way straights do, so divorce is easier on the financial front and the lack of children helps speed things along.” Basically, he says gay couples have fewer factors to consider when debating fixing or ending a relationship. It’s easier to get out of a gay marriage in most cases. That’s assuming they both still live in a state that acknowledges the legality of their marriage in the first place. When the state doesn’t recognize the union, there’s a whole new list of problems to encounter when splitting the blanket. But that’s a different blog.

He’s also concerned that gay men aren’t taking the vows of marriage as seriously as they should be. And he thinks it’s embarrassing to the marriage equality movement.

“One guy was telling me he was thinking of getting divorced while sitting on another guy’s lap,” was one example he cited. Notoriously “social,” some gay men have continued prior behaviors and not remained monogamous post-wedding ceremony. What was acceptable in the relationship before the wedding may no longer be okay with both partners once they’re wearing rings. This is a discussion to have before you say “I do.” While plenty of married couples (gay and straight) have “understandings” or “open marriages,” that’s something that has to be agreed upon by both partners before either one of them steps out on the other. Otherwise, it’s justified grounds for divorce.

Even more irritating to some is the fact that many single gay men appear not to understand that married gay men are off limits once they’ve gotten married. This problem with promoting infidelity is not new, according to my gay friends. In fact, more than one of them tell stories about gay friends who ask about their straight friends, only to be told “he’s married with three kids.” More often than not, my friends say the response is “So what?”

My lesbian friends and clients say infidelity isn’t their main problem but rather, finding a balance in a marriage and household is a constant stereotype struggle with both women wanting to be in charge. But we’ll come back to that.

When I first started planning and executing gay weddings years ago, the subject of divorce wasn’t even up for discussion. There were no statistics because it hadn’t been legal in enough places long enough to be analyzed. Even with the uptick in gay divorces, they’re still registering about half as many as straight divorces most places. But then again, most of the statistics reflect information about unions that have been legal for five years or less. While the success rate should be celebrated cautiously, it’s going to take another five years to learn whether there is truly a difference in marital longevity based on sexual preference.

The vast majority of my clients are committing themselves to each other here in the Caribbean, in full blown weddings or well-planned elopements, to signify that they are very serious about being married. Some of them went home and took legal steps to merge their lives in the same way a married couple would, just without the marriage license to go with it. Some got married legally if they could. Others were waiting for their home states to pass marriage equality.

Dwayne Byrum and Rodney Stroth became Mr. and Mr. on the beach in Vieques during the filming of TLC’s “Wedding Island.”
Dwayne Byrum and Rodney Stroth became Mr. and Mr. on the beach in Vieques during the filming of TLC’s “Wedding Island.”
Dwayne and Rodney Byrum were married on Vieques, Puerto Rico, on 12-12-12, the “last luckiest day of the century.” Afterward, they went home to Virginia and built their lives together. They waited patiently for their own state to legalize their union because, even though they could go across the bridge into Washington, DC, and get married, that legal union wouldn’t have been acknowledged just a few miles away at home.

Last summer, Virginia passed marriage equality and Dwayne and Rodney literally ran to the courthouse to get their marriage license. Just as quickly, the courts shut it down, and it wasn’t until months later when the Supreme Court upheld marriage equality in Virginia and a number of other states that they could actually get legally married. And they did. As quickly as they could before some little glitch made it impossible for them to get married, again. But the decision to get married wasn’t made in haste – it was something they’d been waiting almost two years to do. They didn’t need a big party to make it real – they’d already eloped in the Caribbean, on television.

After almost two years of patiently waiting, Dwayne and Rodney were married in Virginia as soon as they could.
After almost two years of patiently waiting, Dwayne and Rodney were married in Virginia as soon as they could.
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should,” Dwayne explains. “The LGBT community has fought for marriage equality rights for decades, now that we have it in the majority of the United States, as a community, we need to take these new rights seriously.”

“Marriage, as a whole, is a serious endeavor which not only opens equal rights and opportunities for LGBT’s, it also opens us up to the same legal responsibilities and ramifications as everyone else who enters into a marriage. Not enough thought is being put into that,” he says.

It makes me wonder if the whole process of planning a serious marriage ceremony rather than jumping on the marriage bandwagon just because it’s suddenly been legalized makes a big difference in the survival rate of the relationship. To the best of my knowledge, all of my gay and lesbian clients who have gotten married in Vieques are still together. I know for a fact that some are planning to have (or adopt) several children, making the same kind of long-term life plans as all of my clients who aren’t gay.

Perhaps the planning time for their destination weddings (and not every wedding is big – but it is thought out and coordinated) gives LGBT couples more time to consider the implications of the big move they’re going to make. And as all brides and grooms know, actually planning a wedding is stressful and how you handle those obstacles as a couple can be a real learning experience. If you can’t agree on who to invite, what to serve, the budget, or your vows, that’s a sign that you’re not necessarily ready to get married. Once you’re married, life’s problems are usually significantly more real and challenging. If you can’t plan a wedding together, odds are that you’re not going to survive married to each other for very long.

Yes, it’s depressing to think of it that way for me as a wedding planner, but that opinion isn’t restricted to gay and lesbian marriages. It’s just as true for straight couples getting ready to take the plunge. If you cannot agree on how to handle your families, where you’re going to be in five years, or your long-term goals in general, you’re not ready to get married regardless of your sexual preference.

“You need to be sure of your decision and reasons for getting married, and also look at all the implications of doing so,” Dwayne continues, and adds this list of important issues couples should consider before taking the formal step of saying “I do.” He also points out that not everything about getting married is glitter and rainbows.

1) How long has the couple considering marriage been together? Is the person you’re about to marry really and truly the person you want to grow old with? How well do you truly know your partner?

2) Getting married (LGBT or straight) without having dependents or owning property together will cost you a fortune in taxes versus remaining single and staying a couple. It may be better to have legal documents drawn up to protect your rights instead of actually getting married.

3) Most people enter a marriage with the best of intentions. Unfortunately, you do have to think about, “what if it doesn’t work out. What are the implications of getting a divorce?”

While digging on the Internet to learn more about the subject of gay divorce rates, I learned that, interestingly, the rate of lesbian divorce is consistently twice that of gay men in the vast majorities of countries that have legalized gay marriage, including the United States. It’s an interesting statistic to keep in mind. And probably whole other blog to write eventually.

Gay men told me that lesbian marriages deal with fewer infidelity challenges – they feel the culture of lesbian relationships, even in the dating realm, is more monogamous, and frankly, a little less slutty. However, the lesbians I talked to thought there were bigger issues at stake (although they didn’t disagree with the less infidelity assessment). Women face challenges just by being women, and some of those carry over into a marriage or civil union and result in a split.

“My personal take is that for some reason, one or both women feel the need to be extra ‘masculine’ whereas gay men, I feel, tend to be sooooo soft intellectually and romantically inclined and apologetic and sensitive,” explains Janelle Fitzgerald, a lesbian who is currently separated from her wife. She says a lot of her gay and lesbian friends agree with her assessment.

“My men-friend couples have longggg lasting relations and babies and families while we lesbians try our damnedest, but I swear we walk in with the chips stacked against us,” Janelle explains. It sounds like there’s a greater struggle for who takes the leadership role in lesbian marriages. Many women spend all day trying to bust through the glass ceiling and don’t seem to let go of that at home with their spouses. It’s not an uncommon problem in straight relationships either, but when both partners are fighting against the same demons, the challenge is double.

Although Janelle is still in a civil union with her wife, they’ve been separated for almost two years.

“I swear if that stubborn straight-man gene and the immaturity straight men seem to possess in spades were non-existent, or at least balanced, we’d have a fighting shot,” she says. And she jokes that unfortunately, “we can’t all marry gay men if we are lesbians can we…?”

There are lots of other statistical reasons that lesbian marriages would struggle more than gay ones – disparity of income being the biggest and most damning. I see it in my wedding planning business where very few lesbian couples spend even half as much money as gay men do on their wedding plans. It’s not because they’re cheap (in most cases), it’s because they face greater daily life financial challenges. DINK (double-income-no-kids) boosts the household of two men far higher than it does for two women. And more of the women getting married already have children. With money problems being the biggest cause of divorce across the board for all marriages, it makes perfect sense that this could be detrimental for two women trying to make a life together.

Whatever the cause of the increasing gay divorce rate, marriage equality advocates would like to see it stop. After spending years fighting for the right to get married, they don’t want hear that it’s not working. Of course, not every marriage lasts and not every couple is mean to be together “til death do us part” regardless of vows. But gay and lesbian couples rushing out to get married legally just because they can isn’t a good reason for so many marriages to fall apart.

When a couple decides to get engaged and then married, they need to take some time to consider all factors and make sure they’re ready for the next step. Gay or straight, marriage isn’t easy. Getting married might be easier for straight couples, but staying married is equally hard for everyone who has exchanged rings. Doing it for the wrong reasons – like because you’ve always been dying to plan your wedding and you never thought you would be able to – will only result in catastrophe long term. Every couple getting married is entitled to celebrate and have the party, but you don’t have to run down the aisle to have that. A slow walk will get you to the same destination, and you won’t feel confused and out of breath.

Same Sex Divorce Kevin Muir, left; Sam Ritchie, right.
Kevin Muir, left; Sam Ritchie, right.
(Photo: Ryan Pfluger)

Nancy Michaels was 40, a mother of three and a successful businesswoman when her husband of 16 years told her he wanted a divorce. Beyond the emotional cost that followed his announcement, Michaels eventually found herself shocked by the pricetag as well — more than $100,000 in legal, medical and moving costs.
“I hadn’t planned for his departure,” she said. “I wish I had…Having a safety net or money set aside is smart to do…”

How much does a divorce really cost for the average American? Every situation is different, experts say. “There’s an old saying, ‘Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand’,” said Ginita Wall, a certified public accountant and divorce financial planner. Wall’s advice: “The best time to get divorced is when you have nothing: no kids, no property. He takes the CD player. She takes the TV. And they drive away in their leased car.”
Every year nearly 2.8 million people go through the emotional and financial trauma of divorce, said Wall, who estimates that most marriages end in divorce before the 10-year mark.

California attorney Kelly Chang Rickert estimates that a divorce “can run anywhere from $1,820 (uncontested divorce) to hundreds of thousands of dollars. There’s always Britney Spears, who paid over $1 million to her attorneys for her custody case…”

According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s latest statistics in 2006, the average American family is married, has two children, makes between $50,000 to $74,999 a year and owns a home worth about $185,000. (The numbers change based on geography. In California, homes average about $535,700, 303,000 in New York and $135,000 in Ohio.)

Using those statistics, divorce360.com estimates it could cost anywhere from a low-end of $53,000 to a high-end of $188,00 to divorce. The costs include attorneys fees, financial help and real estate costs for selling, buying or renting a home once you’ve made the decision to divorce. The costs can be significantly cheaper, as little as $1,000, if the couple — usually without children or assets — agrees to forego an attorney and use a divorce kit, which costs about $200. The cost adds up with filing fees and other court costs.

But for a a couple with an average income of $60,000 a year, at least one child and a home worth $185,000, the average cost of a divorce using U.S. Census statistics would be about $53,000. The pricetag would include short-term marriage therapy for themselves and about 20 weeks of therapy for their child. It would also include the cost to hire an attorney, sell their marital home, purchase another at a lower value for one spouse and rent an apartment in the same area for the other. For a couple making $150,00 a year with a home valued at $535,000, the pricetag increases to an average of about $188,000 for 10 weeks of therapy for themselves, 20 weeks for their child, hiring an attorney, selling their home, buying a new one and/or renting an apartment in the same area.

“While there is no true “typical” divorce, the point here is there are many hidden costs — selling your home, hiring an attorney (or two), financial advisors, a new mortgage, it all adds up,” said Cotter Cunningham, CEO of divorce360.com.

The cost of divorce increases, of course, with the amount of income the couple makes each year, the assets they’ve accumulated — from a home to retirement funds — to the number of children they have and the amount of time they’ve been married. Geography makes a big difference in the costs for emotional, financial, legal and real estate help to get through the process, experts say.

And a divorce gets even more expensive, they say, if a spouse lets their anger get in the way of letting go. New York psychotherapist Dr. Jay Granat said seen clients take as little as six weeks or as long three years.

California attorney Michael Heicklen said his typical clients are a working husband, a stay-at-home mom and two kids. They have between $300,000 and $500,000 in home equity, a pension and at least two cars. They’ve decided to end their marriage because they’re fighting about money, sex or an affair.

They underestimate the cost of a divorce, particularly the women. “…TheThe average cost to litigate a contested divorce (in California) is $45,000 per side. I’ve seen more women break down and cry in my office, after hearing my fee structure…than I can count. The men generally control the finances and use that power to try and squeeze the women financially. Many say they’d rather give it to a lawyer to teach the wife a lesson than hand it to her.”

And in the downturn in the economy has had a significant effect on divorcing couples, Heicklen said. “This financial climate is a train wreck,” he said.

Cunningham suggested mediation as an alternative. “Couples divorcing in this market should really consider ways to cut costs. Mediation can reduce costs in some situations. Do your research,” he said.

Divorce financial analyst Cynthia Anderson Thompson said the reality of today’s economy is simple: “Many spouses to be divorced stay in the same home, occupying different floors, rooms” until they can afford to make the financial investment in divorce. “It can work ok or be a stress nightmare for all, but it’s the only way to work it out financially until both spouses are up and running.”

BOSTON — Same-sex marriage is so last decade in Massachusetts. These days, the earliest pioneers in gay and lesbian matrimony are demonstrating how to raise kids, retire — even divorce.

As the Supreme Court wrestles with what its chief justice last month labeled a redefinition of marriage, the couples who successfully challenged the Bay State’s ban on gay marriage in 2003 are juggling work and retirement, raising kids who turn down Ivy League colleges and holding joyful family reunions.

Their “family,” in this case, includes the 14 original plaintiffs in Goodridge v. Department of Public Health and their children — a generation that, according to opponents of same-sex marriage, is bound to suffer from the absence of biological, two-parent, opposite-sex households.

Don’t tell that to Avery Nortonsmith, a high school senior who recently turned down Yale to study computational neuroscience at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. He’s proud of the role his parents, the former Heidi Norton and Gina Smith, played in the evolution of gay marriage.

“Even though I remember a time when this was new and sort of revolutionary, the idea of having two moms just seems normal to me,” Avery, 18, said last week while spending a sick day at home in Northampton, a liberal bastion in western Massachusetts. “Seeing this happen for me personally has helped give me some faith in the ability of people to affect positive change.”

The Nortonsmiths and their 12 co-plaintiffs celebrated their 11th wedding anniversaries Sunday, the date on which the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court allowed gays and lesbians to wed in 2004. But like many of the couples challenging other states’ gay-marriage bans, their relationships date back decades.

Their experiences — in daily living as well as legal wrangling — provide some object lessons as the Supreme Court decides whether to take same-sex marriage nationwide. A decision on cases pending from Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky and Tennessee is expected in late June.

LESSON #1: CHANGE ISN’T EASY

Julie and Hillary Goodridge had been a couple for nearly two decades when they married on May 17, 2004. Within two years, they were separated. They divorced in 2009.

The media attention, bused-in opposition and demands on their time played a role in the demise of their marriage. Yet today, the women are close friends who still give each other gifts and finish each others’ sentences.

At the moment they were recruited as lead plaintiffs by Mary Bonauto, a leader of the gay-marriage movement, Hillary was giving their daughter Annie a bath. They thought nothing of putting their adopted name first on the lawsuit.

Turns out it meant everything. The media descended — “CNN always wanted us in the kitchen, making pancakes,” Julie recalled during a joint interview last week — as did opponents who sent hate-filled fliers around their neighborhood in Boston’s Jamaica Plain section.

Even in liberal Massachusetts, state legislators rebelled against the court’s 4-3 decision, nearly getting enough votes to put a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage on the 2006 ballot. Having won in court, the Goodridges and their co-plaintiffs still had to win the hearts and minds of the state’s residents and lawmakers.

“We were really out there a lot, and we had a young child and full-time jobs,” Julie Goodridge, 57, recalled. She owns Northstar Asset Management, which advises clients on socially responsible investments; Hillary, 59, directs the Unitarian Universalist Funding Program. which awards social justice grants. “We were stressed.”

Today, Annie is 19, has a boyfriend and is majoring in math at Oberlin College in Ohio, one of the states seeking to have its same-sex marriage ban upheld by the Supreme Court. Last month, she wrote a column for USA TODAY recalling that as a 3-year-old, she asked her parents, “If you love each other, then why aren’t you married?”

They are divorced now but still joined in parenthood and mutual respect. “It was really important to us that we treat each other well and that Annie be first and foremost,” Hillary Goodridge said.

LESSON #2: PLANNING FOR PARENTHOOD

One of the arguments used by opponents for why states historically sanctioned only opposite-sex marriages is that only men and women can have accidental pregnancies — and therefore need incentives to marry and stay together.

Heidi and Gina Nortonsmith represent the antithesis of that. Formerly Heidi Norton and Gina Smith, the 50-year-olds named their newborns Nortonsmith even before they adopted the name as their own. The children were planned; the parents, prepared.

Although Massachusetts permitted same-sex adoption before marriage, the federal Defense of Marriage Act still imposed restrictions until it was struck down by the Supreme Court in 2013. One such roadblock was the government’s refusal to accept the new name on the children’s passports.

Gina Nortonsmith recalled traveling with a stack of papers “to prove that we all belonged to each other.” Even in liberal Northampton, friends would express concern for how Avery would be treated when he started school.

“I remember thinking, who’s going to tease him — the seven other kids in his class who have two moms?” she said.

All the planning and preparation for having children helped to ensure they would be good parents — not the sort that state marriage laws were intended to lure, Heidi Nortonsmith said.

“We try harder,” she said, while Avery kept the family’s pet bird out of hearing range.

“We try really hard,” Gina Nortonsmith agreed, while younger brother Quinn, 15 — who wants to attend Yale — asked permission to run the blender for a fruit smoothie.

He doesn’t often think about how “my parents started this,” Quinn said. Still, “it just makes me feel good seeing that so many people are getting on board with it.”

LESSON #3: DISCRIMINATION REMAINS

Rob Compton and David Wilson never could just blend in as a married couple. Compton, 66, is white. Wilson, 71, is black. They both were married to women first. Between them, they have five children.

Because they were centrally located in Boston and had employers who supported them, Compton and Wilson became public faces for the same-sex marriage movement. Not everyone appreciated what they saw, especially when the couple traveled out of state. They even received a death threat.

“We are a noticeable gay couple,” Wilson said last week while relaxing in Provincetown, the state’s gay and lesbian mecca at the far end of Cape Cod. Now retired, he often stays at their former summer home while Compton still works in Boston’s Charlestown section.

“The marriage case opened the door for a great conversation across the country,” Wilson said. “It has helped to shine a light on the areas of discrimination that were not talked about before marriage,” from jobs and housing to bullying that can lead to suicides.

The animosity they encountered while challenging the state’s gay-marriage ban more than a decade ago has faded, however, replaced by acceptance and even conversion. Now the state’s Republican lieutenant governor, a former opponent, plans to preside at the same-sex wedding of the state’s Democratic state Senate president.

Couples such as Compton and Wilson played a crucial role in the metamorphosis. “We became the example that refuted all the arguments,” Compton said. “God did not send a lightning bolt. The storm clouds all left.”

LESSON #4: THE NEW NORMAL

Perhaps the best thing that has happened to the nation’s first victorious gay-marriage plaintiffs is that they are no longer recognized, and their marriages are no longer seen as a big deal.

That’s certainly true for Ellen Wade and Maureen Brodoff, a pair of lawyers who brought the lawsuit over same-sex adoption in the 1990s before joining the gay-marriage case in 2001.

Today, they live quietly on a leafy cul-de-sac in the Boston suburb of Newton. Their daughter Kate, a graduate of Bates College in Maine, lives and works in nearby Brookline.

Despite being together since 1980, their marriage in 2004 was “a learning experience for everyone we encountered,” Wade recalled last week. But it “became part of the landscape pretty quickly…. The opposition that had been so vocal just faded away.”

As their fame subsided, Brodoff decided to initiate annual reunions, lest the seven couples lose touch with one another. Bonauto, herself married in Maine and raising twin daughters, was invited as well.

At first, the gatherings were held in November to commemorate the Nov. 18, 2003, court ruling. Eventually, they were switched to May, to celebrate the couples’ marriages on May 17, 2004.

This year presents a problem with a ready solution. Brodoff and Wade will be away, so they have delayed the reunion until July — when they hope to have something new to celebrate.

The other couples are looking forward to it. “It’s like a family reunion,” Gina Nortonsmith said, “except without the dysfunction.”

Allison Flood Lesh wants a divorce. She’s happy to share custody of her 17-month-old daughter.

At the moment, she can’t have either wish. Her home state of Texas doesn’t consider her to be married or a mom. Her name isn’t even on the birth certificate.

Those two problems “never even crossed my mind” when she began looking for a lawyer to get out of her same-sex marriage, performed legally in Washington in 2010. “I didn’t think it would be this hard,” Flood Lesh, 33, says. “It’s a lot bigger than I initially thought.”

For lesbian and gay couples living in states where their marriages are not recognized, divorce is proving next to impossible. They married in places such as Iowa and Massachusetts, where same-sex marriage is legal. They live in places such as Indiana and Mississippi, where it’s not.

That leaves three choices when wedded bliss reaches an abyss: move to a state where same-sex marriage is legal, most of which have residency requirements for divorce; seek to have the marriage annulled; or begin what can be a protracted court battle.

Not wishing to uproot their lives or deny their pasts, most couples opt for the courtroom. Same-sex divorce cases have cropped up in more than a dozen states, mostly in the South and Midwest.

A few divorces have been granted — sometimes during brief periods after judges strike down same-sex marriage bans and before those rulings are stayed, such as occurred in Indiana late last month. A few judges have granted divorces because they oppose their state’s gay-marriage ban or do not consider it a roadblock.

For most couples, the experience of Allison Flood Lesh and Kristi Lesh is repeated. Even when a contentious matter such as child custody isn’t involved and the couples have settled all their issues, same-sex marriage bans stand in the way.

“There’s a connection that they would like to end that they are being forced to maintain,” says Florida attorney Ellen Ware, who represents Mariama Changamire Shaw in a collaborative divorce proceeding with no outstanding issues except one — the state doesn’t recognize the marriage.

Ware sees an irony in the Catch-22 situation. “If you are opposed to same-sex marriage, it seems like you should be in favor of at least allowing same-sex people who are married to get divorced,” she says.

NO MARRIAGE, NO DIVORCE

The dead end faced by some gays and lesbians seeking to divorce illustrates the type of problems facing same-sex couples despite the progress that followed last year’s Supreme Court ruling against the federal Defense of Marriage Act.

That 5-4 decision in United States v. Windsor forced the federal government to recognize states’ same-sex marriages for purposes of offering federal benefits. It didn’t force other states to legalize same-sex marriage or even recognize those performed elsewhere.

Same-sex couples find that it’s hard to get divorced if the judge doesn’t think you’re married. Most of the court cases that have cropped up involve lesbian couples, who are twice as likely to be married as gay men.

“The relationships have ripened enough so that they don’t like each other — just like a heterosexual couple,” says Lois Liberman, a matrimonial lawyer at Blank Rome.

If they don’t like each other in most of the 31 states without same-sex marriage, their options are limited. Annulment can be messy; it doesn’t settle issues such as property division and parental rights. Residency requirements range up to a year in some of the early gay-marriage states, such as Massachusetts, New York and Iowa.

Those residency rules apply only to divorce, not to marriage. They were enacted when divorces were harder to obtain, leading plaintiffs to “forum shop” for states with more lenient laws.

Couples stuck in an unhappy marriage face a range of problems. They may have to file state and federal taxes differently. They may need their spouse’s consent for major health and pension decisions. They lack enforceable court orders for dividing assets and debts, awarding alimony and handling child custody and parenting rights.

Not to mention their social lives, which can get stuck in neutral: Dating becomes cheating. A second marriage would be bigamy.

“One minute, I’m not allowed to get divorced in Texas. Next minute, I’m an adulterer,” Flood Lesh, an oil field engineer in San Antonio, quips. “I can’t win either way.”

At least one state, Wyoming, allows same-sex divorces even though it has not legalized same-sex marriages. Others, including California, Minnesota, Delaware, Vermont and the District of Columbia, allow couples who were married there to return for divorces without meeting residency requirements.

There are occasional success stories elsewhere, usually involving couples who just want to end their marriages — not change their states’ same-sex marriage laws.

“We have heard a number of people have successfully divorced,” says Cathy Sakimura, family law director at the National Center for Lesbian Rights. “They’re not seeking the rights and benefits of marriage.”

‘THIS IS ALL VERY NEW”

Often, a simple divorce filing morphs into a case carefully monitored by national gay rights groups for evidence of cracks in the same-sex marriage bans maintained by 31 states.

Such is Nichols v. Nichols, a Nebraska divorce case that challenges the state’s refusal to recognize out-of-state gay marriages. The state Supreme Court dismissed the case last month, citing a lack of jurisdiction to hear an appeal from a lower court.

Denial of divorce rights “binds a broken relationship together against the best interest of the state, the taxpayers, the individuals and their children,” says Megan Mikolajczyk, the lawyer for Bonnie Nichols.

In Texas, two couples married in Massachusetts nearly a decade ago met opposite fates — one was granted a divorce in Austin, the other was denied a divorce in Dallas. Those cases have since been joined on appeal.

In the Lesh case, state District Judge Barbara Nellermoe ruled in April that the state’s same-sex marriage ban is unconstitutional and the divorce proceeding can continue. Her ruling was blocked temporarily by an appeals court after state Attorney General Greg Abbott argued it could create “legal chaos.”

As she pursues the divorce, Flood Lesh is focused mostly on the little girl born through artificial insemination in Texas in February 2013, identified in court papers only as “K.A.F.L.” Kristi Lesh is fighting for full custody, and the Texas Family Code provides no protection for Flood Lesh because she wasn’t married in the eyes of the state when the girl was born. She hasn’t seen her daughter since November.

“There is somewhat of a bias toward a biological parent in a same-sex relationship,” says Marilyn Chinitz, a divorce law specialist at Blank Rome. “A lot of it is the perception of the court. This is all very new.”

To Flood Lesh, that doesn’t seem fair. “She’s here because of the both of us,” she says of her daughter. “She shouldn’t have to suffer because her parents can’t get along.”

Same-sex marriage is on hold in Alabama, but the state now has lesbian divorce.

A judge in Huntsville allowed two women to legally end their marriage Thursday, a year after refusing their request.

Madison County Circuit Judge Karen Hall granted a divorce sought by Shrie Michelle Richmond and Kirsten Allysse Richmond, who wed in Dubuque, Iowa, in November 2012.

The women asked for the divorce on Feb. 9, the day a federal judge’s decision striking down Alabama’s gay-marriage ban took effect. Hall approved it a brief ruling that dissolved the marriage citing “incompatibility of temperament.”

A year earlier, before any judge had ruled against Alabama’s prohibition on same-sex marriage, Hall said the couple couldn’t divorce under Alabama law.

Hall’s new order didn’t mention the decision by U.S. District Judge Callie Granade, who ruled Alabama’s bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional. And Hall didn’t explain the reversal.

Sarah Warbelow, legal director for the Washington-based Human Rights Campaign, said such reversals have occurred in other states as same-sex marriage bans were overturned.

“The (Alabama) court is absolutely correct in determining it is bound by the federal decision,” Warbelow said.

The judge cited a five-page divorce settlement signed by both women and said Shrie Richmond, 22, could revert back to using her former name, Shrie Michelle Tinsley.

Patrick Hill, an attorney for Tinsley, didn’t return messages seeking comment Friday. But he previously said the women wanted to end their marriage in their home state even though they had to go to Iowa to be married.

“They’re both from here in Alabama, and this is where their homes, family and friends are,” Hill said last year.

Court records do not list a lawyer for Kirsten Richmond, 25, who did not contest the split-up.

Hall’s decision to grant the divorce came just days after the Alabama Supreme Court ordered the state’s probate judges to quit issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Hundreds of gays and lesbians married statewide after Granade’s ruling striking down the state ban, but counties have since quit issuing licenses to same-sex couples.

Last month, the Alabama Court of Civil Appeals reversed an earlier decision and said a woman who was separated from her female partner in Georgia can pursue visitation rights in child adoption case in Alabama.